{Free books} Crooked Little Vein Author Warren Ellis – Andy-palmer.co.uk


Crooked Little Vein Burned out private detective and self styled shit magnet Michael McGill needed a wake up call to jump start his dead career What he got was a virtual cattle prod to the crotch, in the form of an impossible assignment delivered directly from the president s heroin addict chief of staff It seems the Constitution of the United States has some skeletons in its closet the Founding Fathers doubted that the document would be able to stave off human nature indefinitely, so they devised a backup Constitution to deploy at the first sign of crisis In the government s eyes, that time is now, as America is overgrown with perverts who spend time surfing the Web for fetish porn than they do reading a newspaper They want to use this Secret Constitution to drive the country back to a time when civility, God, and mom s homemade apple pie were all that matteredThe only problem is, no one can seem to find itSo who better to track it down than a private dick who s so down and out that he s coming up the other side, a shamus whose only skill is stumbling into every depraved situation imaginable With no lead to speak of, and no knowledge of the underground world in which the Constitution has traveled, McGill embarks on a cross country odyssey of America s darkest, dankest underbelly Along the way, his white bread sensibilities are treated to a smorgasbord of depravity that runs the gamut of human imagination The filth mounts it is clear that this isn t the kind of life, liberty, or happiness that Thomas Jefferson thought Americans would enjoy in the twenty first centuryBut what McGill learns as he closes in on the real Constitution is that freedom takes many forms, the most important of which may be the fight against the good old days Like Vonnegut, Orwell, and Huxley before him, Warren Ellis deftly exposes the hypocrisy of the moral majority by giving us a glimpse at the monstrous outcome that their overzealous policies would achieve

  • Hardcover
  • 288 pages
  • Crooked Little Vein
  • Warren Ellis
  • English
  • 21 March 2019
  • 0060723939

About the Author: Warren Ellis

Warren Ellis is the award winning writer of graphic novels like TRANSMETROPOLITAN, FELL, MINISTRY OF SPACE and PLANETARY, and the author of the NYT bestselling GUN MACHINE and the underground classic novel CROOKED LITTLE VEIN, as well as the digital short story single DEAD PIG COLLECTOR His newest book is the novella NORMAL, from FSG Originals, listed as one ofs Best 100 Books Of 2016.The movie RED is based on his graphic novel of the same name, its sequel having been released in summer 2013 IRON MAN 3 is based on his Marvel Comics graphic novel IRON MAN EXTREMIS He is currently developing his graphic novel sequence with Jason Howard, TREES, for television, in concert with HardySonBaker and NBCU, and continues to work as a screenwriter and producer in film and television, represented by Angela Cheng Caplan and Cheng Caplan Company He is the creator, writer and co producer of the Netflix series CASTLEVANIA, recently renewed for its third season, and of the recently announced Netflix series HEAVEN S FOREST.He s written extensively for VICE, WIRED UK and Reuters on technological and cultural matters, and given keynote speeches and lectures at events like dConstruct, ThingsCon, Improving Reality, SxSW, How The Light Gets In, Haunted Machines and Cognitive Cities.Warren Ellis has recently developed and curated the revival of the Wildstorm creative library for DC Entertainment with the series THE WILD STORM, and is currently working on the serialising of new graphic novel works TREES THREE FATES and INJECTION at Image Comics, and the serialised graphic novel THE BATMAN S GRAVE for DC Comics, while working as a Consulting Producer on another television series.A documentary about his work, CAPTURED GHOSTS, was released in 2012.Recognitions include the NUIG Literary and Debating Society s President s Medal for service to freedom of speech, the EAGLE AWARDS Roll Of Honour for lifetime achievement in the field of comics graphic novels, the Grand Prix de l Imaginaire 2010, the Sidewise Award for Alternate History and the International Horror Guild Award for illustrated narrative He is a Patron of Humanists UK He holds an honorary doctorate from the University of Essex.Warren Ellis lives outside London, on the south east coast of England, in case he needs to make a quick getaway.



10 thoughts on “Crooked Little Vein

  1. says:

    Faint hearts and the offendable might just want to sit this one out the book, mind you, not this review Acclaimed comics writer Warren Ellis cranks up the ick factor to about 11 and delivers a hysterical noir, mystery travelogue through the oddest, most depraved nooks and crannies of the American psyche It is dark, twisted and no holds barredand it is also very, VERY funny To give you a sample of the agenda items Ellis uses in his carnival of oddballities, you will will find A group o Faint hearts and the offendable might just want to sit this one out the book, mind you, not this review Acclaimed comics writer Warren Ellis cranks up the ick factor to about 11 and delivers a hysterical noir, mystery travelogue through the oddest, most depraved nooks and crannies of the American psyche It is dark, twisted and no holds barredand it is also very, VERY funny To give you a sample of the agenda items Ellis uses in his carnival of oddballities, you will will find A group of Godzilla bukakke fetishistsyep, you read that correctlyA cohort of Bodybuilders who inject large quantities of warm saline in their berries yeah, it s kinda like that It s also kinda like.AHHHHHHHH A tantric Ostrich orgy A massively depraved uber richdude who orally milks dead cowsgo ontake a minute and let that sink in An image sensitive serial killer who murders conservatively dressed woman a nice twist there this guy is a hoot A steakhouse dinner scene that is positively stomach churning yes, evenso than the above and ALL connected to a secret version of the U.S Constitution that can magically rewind the clock and turn America back into a land of powdered wigs, puritan values and mind numbing normalcy Verdict Ilovedthis Of course, you should know that I had the ability to be offended by things I read surgically removed some time ago it was actually during the 2000 Presidential Campaign Even so, this bizarre, messed up journey through thewhat s the most shocking content you can find on the internet made realversion of America still made me cringe, wince and protectively grab my goodiesthan once I m telling you that the needle full of saline to the testes scene will be a tough one for guys to get through It s hysterical but tough Our guide for this adventure is PI Mike McGill who is a self described shit magnet This means that wherever Mike goes he seems to have a preternatural knack for finding himself in Ewww laden WTF situations As Mike describes it to Trix Ellis mouthpiece in the story There are eight bars around this block I naturally find the one where the barman accessorizes with human headskin I follow up one lead on this case and I find fifty people furiously masturbating over recut Japanese monster movies. Mike gets retained by the oh so creepy, heroin loving white house chief of staff to locate and return the other Constitution of the United StatesIt is a small, handwritten volume reputedly bound in the skin of the extraterrestrial entity that plagued Benjamin Franklin s ass over six nights in Paris during his European travels On the seventh night he got right up and killed the little bastard with one punch The book binding is weighted with meteor fragments The design is such that the sound of the book being opened onto a table has infrasonic content too low for human hearing Do you understand, son It s a book that forces you to read it. To locate and return this magical book which has the ability to reset the clock on American sensibilities to the time of the founding fathers, Mike gets paid a fortune However, his only clue is the fact that Nixon gave the book away to a hooker 40 years ago for some special attentions I thought a tricky Dick comment here was too easy so I skipped ithowever feel free to think of one now.Mike, together with his sexually adventuress gal pal named Trix, follow the trail of slimy breadcrumbs left behind by the book and embark on an outing that is among the most unique I ve encountered During the course of their investigation, they will visit all the places you hear about from friends following the phrase, You aren t going to believe this You may eww a few time, but I think you will laugh forAs fun and twisted as this ride is, I didn t see Ellis writing solely for shock value I think there was calculation in what he did and that he had a point at least I think he did I think Ellis was using an extreme depiction of activities 99.999999999% of people would find repulsive to create a venue for discussing the distinction between what is mainstream and what is perversion I think Ellis is challenging the notion that our leaders should have the right to make those determinations for us rather than making those decisions ourselves within the context of our own lives Is the accepting and tolerating of the non violent, non exploitive expressions of personal kink and twisted fetishes a necessary price we all must pay to insure that the society we live in is truly inclusive and embracing to all people Discuss Maybe I m just over thinking it, but it seemed that Ellis had something to say that was pretty important However, whatever, Ellis message was, I had an absolute blast reading this and thought his style, his characters, his dialogue and his set pieces were funny, creative and highly entertaining when I wasn t cringing with my eyes closed 4.0 stars HIGHLY RECOMMENDED but only for theadventuress reader

  2. says:

    and shit and shitting and porn and godzilla and bukkake and godzilla bukkake and saline injected testicles and shit and rats and dirt and grubby porn theatres and shit and tantric ostrich sex and date rape drugs and tantric ostrich sex via date rape drugs and shit and shitting and and and and and forgive me, it s all a little tiring.this is a bizarro private detective novel concerning a missing alternate version of the U.S constitution, filtered through sleazy grindhouse movies and William S and shit and shitting and porn and godzilla and bukkake and godzilla bukkake and saline injected testicles and shit and rats and dirt and grubby porn theatres and shit and tantric ostrich sex and date rape drugs and tantric ostrich sex via date rape drugs and shit and shitting and and and and and forgive me, it s all a little tiring.this is a bizarro private detective novel concerning a missing alternate version of the U.S constitution, filtered through sleazy grindhouse movies and William S Burroughs except it lacks the energetic nastiness of a grindhouse movie and the strange challenging often beautifully disturbing language of Burroughs the prose is prosaic B O R I N G P R O S E and i need interesting wordsmithery if i m going to put up with this eyerolling nonsense monotonous prose detailing repulsive things makes my head hurt and i start thinking that the person who wrote this doesn t get out much and is desperately trying to shock me and is maybe in junior high school but did i ever find the idea of someone shitting the bed to be funny, even in junior high anyway, i gave up.Warren Ellis is one of my favorite comic book writers and with Crooked Little Vein great title, btw he fearlessly dived into the world of the full length novel reading the first half of this made me think that some folks should just stick with what they know Ellis is a part of my extra special Top 3 Favorite Comic Writers of All Time and since i don t want to mess with his stats or my really positive feelings about him, i think giving up was the right idea sorry Dave you ll get your book back shortly you too Warren, sorry i still love you both, i really do neither of you hate me for this review, pretty please with some shit on top

  3. says:

    Well, this is just all kinds of messed up..Mike McGill is a private detective with bizarre luck that has him constantly getting mixed up in things he d rather not know about like guys who have sex with ostriches The creepy and corrupt White House chief of staff wants to use Mike s tendency to be a shit magnet to help him track down a book that contains the Secret Constitution of the United States that the administration will use to stop all the weirdness that has been going on since Nixon ga Well, this is just all kinds of messed up..Mike McGill is a private detective with bizarre luck that has him constantly getting mixed up in things he d rather not know about like guys who have sex with ostriches The creepy and corrupt White House chief of staff wants to use Mike s tendency to be a shit magnet to help him track down a book that contains the Secret Constitution of the United States that the administration will use to stop all the weirdness that has been going on since Nixon gave the book to a Chinese prostitute.Mike isn t happy about the job, but the money is too good to pass up Soon he meets Trix, a free spirited and sexually adventurous young woman who agrees to help him find the book, but Mike will be confronted with everything from groups of people masturbating to Godzilla movies to men who inject saline into their testicles for funsies to a publicity conscious serial killer to a rich old bastard who makes Howard Hughes look sane Comic book writer Warren Ellis did a great job of creating an offbeat book that made me laugh as much as it made me say, EWWWW Along with the weirdness is a theme that makes you think about what makes something mainstream and what exactly should be considered a perversion Not for the faint of heart, but a helluva lot of fun for those not easily offended or grossed out

  4. says:

    Wow, was this book disappointing What should have been Ellis s introduction to the print world became a collection of hey guys look at this crazy shit I found on the internet and posted on my blog already, strung together by the thinnest of narratives There are occasional sentences that smack of the author s way with words, but it s hardly worth the trudge through the rest of the book.

  5. says:

    Updated review after a re read in November 2018 This book is not for the faint hearted or the easily shocked I am pretty unflappable, and yet this book had me going WTF did I just readWhen I turned the last page of Crooked Little Vein , I was laughing and grossed out simultaneously There were now images in my mind I would never be able to un see and I was having very mixed feelings about that Ellis is transgressive and irreverent, and that is an awesome thing, but he gives me wicked b Updated review after a re read in November 2018 This book is not for the faint hearted or the easily shocked I am pretty unflappable, and yet this book had me going WTF did I just readWhen I turned the last page of Crooked Little Vein , I was laughing and grossed out simultaneously There were now images in my mind I would never be able to un see and I was having very mixed feelings about that Ellis is transgressive and irreverent, and that is an awesome thing, but he gives me wicked book hangovers If you have a strong stomach and a really messed up sense of humour hello liked minded people you will find this book brilliant and entertaining If you get offended or disturbed easily, put the book down and back away slowly Warren Ellis packed a lot of weirdness in this little book, and the weirdest thing of all is that most of said weird stuff is actually real Yup, the legendary graphic novel writer sifted the Internet s murky corners until he found the most depraved and messed up things he could get his hands on and let that inspire him to write this hysterical, surreal travelogue.A spectacularly unlucky P.E is hired by a very creepy Chief of Staff to retrieve the secret Constitution of the United States you know, the one bound in the skin of an alien Ben Franklin killed and that Nixon traded for the sexual favours of a Chinese spy This quest takes him through a very surreal underground, where he reluctantly picks up a strangely liberated and experimental sidekick and comes dangerously close to losing his mind The novel is set up to be a noir detective story, but Ellis subverted the genre s tropes there is violence and sex, but not the kind you d expect, unless you are into Godzilla bukkake.I think Ellis was trying, in his own very twisted way, to make the readers ask themselves exactly what constitutes mainstream in this day and age Our protagonist, Mike, is constantly baffled and weirded out, but his friend Trix takes it all in strides she is often surprised that Mike hasn t heard about people doing stuff like injecting saline solutions into their junk Doesn t everyone know about that I had never heard of that particular practice, but I m guess I am wayvanilla than I thought OK, Trix is considered to be a student of the weird , but again, what criteria does one base themselves on to qualify another person as weird The standards are different for everyone most normal people freak me out, after all Our very atypical leading duo had me completely invested in their quest, and I laughed and shuddered until the surprisingly satisfying conclusion Ellis prose is funny, in a really offbeat way The second half is a bit rushed, and I think the book would have been better with a bitmeat around the bone, but it is still a fun and thought provoking ride I honestly don t know what else to say about this bizarre little novel it has to be experienced to be understood, and I highly recommend it to adventurous readers who do not mind having their brain fucked with

  6. says:

    Is this book for you If you re not familiar with the words Godzilla Bukkake , probably not.Not for the faint of heartMen who have sex with drugged ostriches are far from the strangest situation that we can find in this book lolDark humour abounds The novel uses all the artifacts of classical pulp era and Ellis ability to attract the weirdest elements of contemporary society and weave it all together into a coherent whole is nothing short of magnificent.From Godzilla Bukkake, to genital sa Is this book for you If you re not familiar with the words Godzilla Bukkake , probably not.Not for the faint of heartMen who have sex with drugged ostriches are far from the strangest situation that we can find in this book lolDark humour abounds The novel uses all the artifacts of classical pulp era and Ellis ability to attract the weirdest elements of contemporary society and weave it all together into a coherent whole is nothing short of magnificent.From Godzilla Bukkake, to genital saline injections, Jesus sex toys, and even worse I would say that delicate natures should stay away from the book Last but not least The novel is very funny

  7. says:

    Warren Ellis reads the Internet, and if I didn t read the Internet I could learn a lot about the perverse side of society by reading this book Unfortunately, I do read the Internet, so it s not really news And then there s the point at which a bunch of people tell the protagonist he needs to shut up and participate in their particular kink or they won t give him the information they need This is not depicted as a negative thing, oddly Isn t there a word for that

  8. says:

    Mike McGill is a self professed shit magnet and as an independent private investigator, he s brought some bizzare work by some even stranger clientele However, nothing holds a candle to the job he s been hired for by the president s heroin addicted chief of staff Tasked with tracking down a secret second constitution, Mike is about to push his sanity to its absolute breaking point to a place he may never return from If watching a copy of Godzilla spliced with audio from a porno seems like you Mike McGill is a self professed shit magnet and as an independent private investigator, he s brought some bizzare work by some even stranger clientele However, nothing holds a candle to the job he s been hired for by the president s heroin addicted chief of staff Tasked with tracking down a secret second constitution, Mike is about to push his sanity to its absolute breaking point to a place he may never return from If watching a copy of Godzilla spliced with audio from a porno seems like your thing, then this book may be for you.If injecting saline into your testicles with a group of spray tanned body builders sounds like a good time, then this book may be for you.If milking a cow using your mouth sounds like a refreshing way to quench your thirst, then this book may be for you.Enough of the tired, Jeff Foxworthy routine This book is straight up whack are cool people still using this word Ellis does a great job injecting a wild and weird plot into the tried and true detective genre While it s not particularly as smooth or satisfying as your standard hard boiled fare, it s not particularly bad either.I feel almost like Ellis created all these insane characters first and the story came later While the whole quest to track down the alien bound secret constitution is absolute insanity, what should really be taken away from Ellis story is what it means to be free Sure, people can do some seriously messed up stuff but if they re not hurting anyone, who are we to judge While The White House longs for the days of the nuclear family and the white picket fence, sacrificing personal freedom for old fashioned values probably isn t the path to take.Crooked Little Vein is a fun, short read If you re a fan of the first person detective genre and are looking for something different, this will certainly pull you out of your funk

  9. says:

    Down and out detective Michael McGill gets hired by a shady government type to find the Constituition The real Constitution McGill s case takes him deeper and deeper into a bizarre subculture of sex and drugs Can he find the Constitution AND maintain his sanity I bought this in an airport a few years ago and devoured it on a three hour flight I was a big fan of Ellis s after reading the Transmetropolitan comic for a couple years and wanted to see what he could do with a novel.Ellis surprised Down and out detective Michael McGill gets hired by a shady government type to find the Constituition The real Constitution McGill s case takes him deeper and deeper into a bizarre subculture of sex and drugs Can he find the Constitution AND maintain his sanity I bought this in an airport a few years ago and devoured it on a three hour flight I was a big fan of Ellis s after reading the Transmetropolitan comic for a couple years and wanted to see what he could do with a novel.Ellis surprised the hell out of me The Crooked Little Vein is one part noir, two parts weirdness McGill s quest leads him throuh all kinds of weirdness We get people masturbating to Godzilla movies, people injecting their genitals with saline, and all kinds of other strangeness Not for the easily offended but quite an entertaining read

  10. says:

    Rating 3.5 of fiveThe Book Report How bad can a day get Mike McGill can tell you, and he d be right But he doesn t know exactly how bad a day can be until the White House Chief of Staff bear in mind the book came out in 2007, adjust your mental compass, and go from there walks into his office with a deal he can t refuse.Hey, after waking up naked in your office chair with a rat pissing in your coffee mug, why would anyone refuse any deal So Mike gets a half million dollars in expense mo Rating 3.5 of fiveThe Book Report How bad can a day get Mike McGill can tell you, and he d be right But he doesn t know exactly how bad a day can be until the White House Chief of Staff bear in mind the book came out in 2007, adjust your mental compass, and go from there walks into his office with a deal he can t refuse.Hey, after waking up naked in your office chair with a rat pissing in your coffee mug, why would anyone refuse any deal So Mike gets a half million dollars in expense money, a handheld computer that hinges open nothing ages worse than hi tech , a phone number to call in case of emergency 555 555 5555, we invented that, son, and gave it to Hollywood, but it really works for us , and some new clothes, and starts following cold leads into seamy, icky, disgusting corners of the world that I choose to believe the sickfuckopath 2011 Stephen Sullivan, used by permission who dreamt up this horrifying little odyssey invented whole and entire, in search of a magical copy of the United States Constitution that Ben Franklin had bound in the hide of an alien he killed during his embassy to Paris A copy of the Constitution that Nixon, during his Vice Presidential stint, traded to a Chinese spy for sex.It goes without saying that clearly we re not in 1 1 2 reality any , and all expectations needs must be recalibrated accordingly.I can t and won t reproduce the course of the hero through the obstacles and labors set in his path, the trickster god making paths smooth and then throwing turmoil into his journey, the monsters and the temptations and the Bright Shining Goal suddenly losing its lusterthis is the Hero s Journey Google it if need be It s well done, and it s laugh out loud funny for 2 3 of its length and it s got the currently fashionable pseudolibertarian underpinnings that have such wide appeal.But Crooked Little Vein winds its way through a very, very old forest on a well watered course.My Review Wherein the ding in my rating from 4.5, to 4, to an ending of 3.5 stars of five It s a lot of fun, and the narrator of this edition it s not next to me and I m too damn lazy to get up and see what his name is does a really really good job with it But I stopped laughing after the Baby Jesus Butt Plug incident came damn close to getting me hospitalized from lack of oxygen.A Quest has a material purpose, where the Hero s Journey does not When the Hero goes on a Journey, he s looking for wisdom, he s undergoing a rite of passage, he s serving a cause and when he s on a Quest, he s looking for an object Mike does both That s sloppy storytelling Yes, of course it s true that all Quests return wisdom as one of their take aways, but the material object of the Quest remains valuable in and of itself This book sets up a Quest It delivers the Hero s Journey.And it s a little too in love with its edgy, wacked out sensibility One character Mike meets on a flight from Las Vegas to LA is so extremely over the toply A Mouthpiece For A Message that I almost gave up and returned the CDs to the library He gave away the most gratuitous seeming twist in the ending that I didn t like on aesthetic, moral, or practical grounds, buried in a mound of trash talk that I just didn t like at all because, well, damn.Should I recommend a book I m so conflicted about WellMike s journey comes to an end with, amazingly, his bank account full, his heart open, and his ya ya in use for the foreseeable future Find me a man who doesn t like that ending This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License

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